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Chivalry is dead
My run-in with an oaf
‘Excuse me please, would you mind moving your bag so I can sit down?’ I asked. He took a slug from his can of lager, looked me in the eye and said no.
Picture the scene: the London Underground, steaming hot, a crowded carriage, a long day spent in heels, and a spot of sciatica. Before me was a muscular, able-bodied man, probably in his twenties. I didn’t ask for his seat – I politely asked for his suitcase’s seat.
I thought he was joking. But he looked at me, unsmiling. ‘What, really?’ I asked. ‘This is a priority seat for luggage,’ he told me. He was on a priority seat for inconsiderate oafs.
‘This is a priority seat for luggage,’ he told me. He was on a priority seat for inconsiderate oafs.
Nothing makes you feel more like an old bag than when a man won’t move his bag for you to sit down. No, hang on, that’s not right… aren’t men supposed to let old bags – I mean, older ladies – and anyone elderly or in need have a seat?
A young woman occupying a seat next to the suitcase sprang up and said I could have her seat. She and I widened our eyes at each other as we stood, then muttered quietly: Can you believe it? I know. Chivalry is dead.
Before the men reading this hit unsubscribe and close the page, bear with me: it’s not your fault. As the comedian Dave Chappelle said, ‘Chivalry is dead, and women killed it.’
Chappelle jokes that chivalry was killed by the feminist movement in ‘the magazines’, in which women got advice from other women who ‘don’t know what the fuck they are talking about’. He cites the classic ‘100 Ways to Please Your Man’ article, when everyone knows there are just four ways. (No, I’m not spelling them out. Watch the clip.)
This week, I told a man I know about the suitcase which needed a seat more than me. He told me, somewhat bitterly, that he’d given up offering his seat to women years ago because they would roll their eyes, shake their heads vigorously, or sneeringly tell him they didn’t need it. If that’s how it is, he thought, so be it: stand, why don’t you! This guy is a polite, chivalrous, strong specimen of manhood. If he’s not offering his seat anymore, chivalry hasn’t just passed away. It’s been incinerated.
In the middle ages, Chivalry was a Christian ideal of knightly behaviour which valued honour, kindness and courage. Is there any hope of resurrecting chivalry today? Medieval knights wouldn’t understand our modern world, in which gender trumps biology, masculinity is toxic, and just looking at a woman on public transport can be construed as ‘intrusive staring of a sexual nature’. They would look more like villains than heroes to many feminists, who find the concept of chivalry incompatible with equality as it would treat men and women differently.
I don’t know exactly when I stopped bristling when a man opened a door for me or offered his seat, but at some point I did. Perhaps it was after having two babies in under two years. Pregnancy, birth and motherhood are the ultimate reminders that the sexes are physically very different. I recovered from birth, nursed for many months and – since I was a freelancer – was reliant on my husband to be the provider for a long period of time.
On this occasion, I wasn’t carrying a baby, I don’t look pregnant (I hope) and I’m not elderly. But the strong, young muscular man had no idea what my need might be. Sadly, he was no knight in shining armour on a noble steed, but a belligerent bloke with a beer can, backside resolutely imprinted on the moquette seat.
Chivalry isn’t about extending kindness to only women, but to anyone who needs the help. It acknowledges and honours genuine physical differences. It is something which both women and men should remember to give and receive when the occasion demands it.
Today’s modern knights must take heart and gather their courage, and women must remember that chivalry expresses courtesy, not insult. It is a brave man indeed who offers his seat and risks a sneer from the damsel in question. But try it. And if she actually asks for it, you could, at the very least, say yes.
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